I'm Still Here

My mind has been up in the clouds for as long as I can remember. Dreaming, movies, day-dreaming, whatever - I have a passion for science fiction and futuristic imagery. I remember watching the Disney Movie Treasure Planet around the time it came out. Loved it. I was familiar with the original story, but my inner-trekkie was in awe at the solar-sailors, space ships, and techno-gadgets used in the film.

At the time I was just a kid. Although I liked the movie, I didn't notice the powerful themes regarding self-worth and fathering. I preface this next section by saying the following: I love my father. I have grown up trying to follow the example he set of selfless service. I received so many treasures of knowledge, talents, and lessons from him. That being said, I didn't have perfect parents. I don't think anyone has perfect earthly parents. I think that's just the nature of life: imperfect people learning, growing, working with, and caring for each other.

A few months ago, out of the blue, I sat down to watch it again (thank you Netflix!) and was very moved by what I saw, heard, and felt.

One of my favorite parts is a montage of Jim Hawkins and the cyborg Silver set to the song "I'm Still Here" by John Rzeznik from the Goo Goo Dolls. It shows some of the scenes from Jim's childhood that led to a lack of fathering in his life. He's still trying to figure out who he is, and what he's meant to do.

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I am a question to the world

Not an answer to be heard

Or a moment that’s held in your arms

And what do you think you’d ever say?

I won’t listen anyway

You don’t know me

And I’ll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you’d understand?

I’m a boy, no, I’m a man

You can’t take me and throw me away

And how can you learn what’s never shown

Yeah, you stand here on your own

They don’t know me

‘Cause I’m not here

And I want a moment to be real

Want to touch things I don’t feel

Wanna hold on and feel I belong

And how can the world want me to change?

They’re the ones that stay the same

They can’t see me

‘Cause I’m not here.

And you see the things they never see

All you wanted – I could be

Now you know me, and I’m not afraid

And I want to tell you who I am

Can you help me be a man?

They can’t break me

As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real

Want to touch things I don’t feel

Wanna hold on and feel I belong

And how can the world want me to change?

They’re the ones that stay the same.

They can’t see me

But I’m still here.

They can’t tell me who to be

‘Cause I’m not what they see

Yeah, the world is still sleepin’ while I keep on dreaming for me

And their words are just whispers and lies that I’ll never believe. . .

I’m still here, I’m still here. . .

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Another set of lyrics comes to mind when I think of one of the messages in this song:

"Everyone's taking control of me,
Seems that the world's got a role for me
I'm so confused, will you show to me
You'll be there for me
And care enough to bear me?"


I guess what I felt in reaction to these lyrics can be summed up into two main ideas.

First. While I feel my father did a great job raising me, and the best he knew how to do, there have been certain aspects of my life that needed (and still need) fathering. It feels at times like I'm still trying to figure out who exactly I am, and how to deal with things like emotions, trauma, and hard times. I love my father and my mother, and will always love them. At the same time, I've realized that I have certain needs they weren't able to fill. That doesn't mean they weren't good parents - again, no one on earth grows up with perfect parents. I can't turn to them to fill all of my needs, but I am so grateful for the lessons they have taught me, and the sacrifices they have made for me. I'm thankful for the friends, family members, mentors, and examples who have entered my life and helped me along my journey.

Second. I don't want to let the world determine who I am. The life I'm living may seem to go against the grain of what the world expects - but they can't tell me who to be. I get so many messages on what it means to be a man: I have to be a tough guy, ripped, emotionless, dominating, distant. 

No, I don't. I want to be strong, compassionate, understanding, empathetic, courageous, assertive, confident. I don't have to fit to society's mold for me. Thankfully, I have friends that are there for me, and care enough to bear me.

I'm still figuring out who exactly I am. I have a good idea, but I keep learning more about my weaknesses and strengths. I'm still here, and I intend to stay. I'm not going to check out. I'll rest when I need to, but I'm not going to run away.

"If there's a road I should walk, help me find it
And if I need to be still, give me peace for the moment.
Whatever Your will, whatever Your will,
Can You help me find it?"

Life Is Beautiful

The Afters - Life Is Beautiful (Official Music Video From October Baby)

On my way home from a support group this morning, Life Is Beautiful from the Afters shuffled on. I got the song as a free download from K-Love a little while ago, but hadn't taken the time to listen to it. I haven't been so moved in a long time.

"A father's love, a wedding dance
New Year's dreams, a toast with friends
A soldier coming home from war
The faith, the hope of so much more
A brand new life, a mother's prayer
Shooting stars, ocean air
A lover's kiss, and hard goodbyes
Fireworks, Christmas lights

These are the things that make us feel alive
These are the times that make us realize

Life is beautiful"

The last few months have been some of the hardest of my life. Between school, work, and all of my other responsibilities, I was feeling completely worn out and stretched to my limits. All the while, personal struggles  were trying to fight their way back into my life, and it all seemed like more than I could bear.

Thankfully, along the way, God blessed me with brothers, friends, family, and experiences that have supported, lifted, sustained, renewed, and strengthened me. While there may be times when I hit a low point and feel hopeless, I know that I have so much to be grateful for. Life is beautiful. No matter how hard it gets, this life is a gift. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

To blog or not to blog. . . That is the question

Well, I actually already know the answer - to blog. SO much has happened to me over the last 5 years since I made this blog. I have served a mission in Japan, been brought to my knees from stress and pain, witnessed miracles, felt my life molded and shaped by a loving God, found brothers and friends that have blessed my life, and finally started coming to grips with who I am.

I have stories, thoughts, and experiences that are just waiting to be written down. Things that have been pent up inside for so long and need to be recorded. So here is a promise to myself and my friends/loved ones: I will write. I hope the things I have to contribute will be of some benefit to readers.

"Awake, awake, awake my soul
God resurrect these bones
From death to life, to You alone
Awake my soul!"
-Chris Tomlin

A note on the picture: me with a couple of officers in the Japanese Ground Self Defense Force. I was able to attend a training event with them in Sendai (Northern Japan) last year. It was one of the best experiences of my life, and very much a miracle that practically fell out of the sky.

I ran a Ragnar relay race in Northern California last year (a twelve person, just about 200 mile relay race, with three legs per participant - Run, Eat, Sleep? Repeat). One of my teammates worked with the Sergeant in charge of Utah's National Guard group bound for Japan. After I had mentioned that I spoke Japanese, she offered to talk with her coworker to see if I could go along and help with interpretation.

Three months later I stepped onto that beautiful Japanese soil. After being released from missionary service, I had dreamed and longed to go back EVERY single day. Finally, the dream came true, and I was back in Japan.

Throughout my life, I've felt very inadequate at times. I haven't been the fastest, strongest, smartest, most talented individual, at least in self-comparison to others. On this trip however, I felt appreciated and needed - both by the US troops and their Japanese counterparts. While most of the specific Japanese military lingo went straight over my head, I was able to pick up some of it. I felt like I helped to facilitate some understanding, and bridge-building between our two distinct cultures.

I felt. . . alive. What an awesome opportunity, that allowed me to make a difference, have fun, and form friendships that I hope last a lifetime.

On the Flip-Side ;)

A note on the enlistment process:

I did return to MEPS the following week to take the ASVAB. It went well, I got a pretty good score on the test. The hotel stay was fun, the food was decent, and it was cool being able to spend some time with other people in the same boat. However, the next morning, after enduring through all of the tests (including that dreaded urinalysis. . .) I found out I would be unable to enlist without a further bit of medical paperwork. I previously had slight problems with my wrist, and had seen the doctor about it, but it was doing fine. On the enlistment paperwork, I initially said no to "Previous or current pain in the wrist . . ." despite constant naggings from my conscience. When I went to MEPS, I started feeling really guilty about hiding that bit of information, so I changed my answer. It turned out that all I had to do was go to the doctor's office, and get a copy of the documentation. I got it and turned it in, and it was cleared up in no time.

Hah, then I had to wait a few more days before I was able to officially enlist. I think this whole ordeal was a little divine intervention geared toward giving me enough time to completely think everything through, and back out of it if I wanted to. However, according to one of my favorite musicals: "Mama says it doesn't matter if you're a king or you're a clown - once you drive up a mountain, you can't back down."

My recruiter was out recovering from back surgery, so he was unable to go with me through the process, but  a stand-in recruiter took me back up to MEPS, and then to the Utah National Guard Headquarters. There, my paperwork was double checked, and I was finally sworn in (well, technically I was "affirmed" in, but same deal).

And now I'm looking back at it all. . . Find joy in the journey. Come what may and love it!

Good things come to those that wait. . .

Well, I did leave to take the ASVAB today, but somehow I didn't make it into the processing system. I get to wait another week before taking the plunge.

Maybe it's a good thing, maybe I'm supposed to have this extra time to think about it. I doubt my answer will change, I can't deny what I've felt about this. Maybe it's just a little turbulence that the adversary wants me to get all frustrated over. Who knows?

Anyways, I'll be patient; stuff happens, it's a fact of life.

Well folks, here goes!

Wow, this has been a very long decision process - full of ups and downs, worry, hope, fear, peace, excitement, anxiety, and anticipation. . . The decision has been made; the cogs have been turning for some time now, but they're hitting full motion tomorrow.

I am enlisting in the Utah Army National Guard on Wednesday. I leave tomorrow to take the ASVAB, and spend Wednesday in processing. Assuming everything goes well, I will then be sworn in and receive the rank of Private First Class (thanks to my Eagle Scout Award and college achievements thus far).

I'm not doing this to run away from a mission; no, I'm doing it because it is something I feel I need to do. I've spent a lot of time praying about this, and studying it out, and I know that it will be of great benefit to me. Besides, it will be supplemental to my emotional, physical, and mental preparation for a mission.

I am really excited for this; I mean, there have been plenty of doubts and worries, but in the end I come to a sense of comfort.

Wish me luck!

Don't let him deceive you

This post came about in part from an excellent talk my sister introduced me to called "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" and a talk someone gave in my ward's sacrament meeting today on roughly the same topic. That talk is so amazing, I recommend it to anyone who is facing big life decisions.

My message for tonight is this:

If you have been praying about something, and the "answer" you've been receiving is some form of doubt, worry, or fear, do not take it to be a "no". Those three emotions are tools of the adversary, and God will not use them when He answers your prayers. I used to think that if I got a bad feeling after praying, the answer was no. This is not the case; a "no" from God will be a "stupor of thought." It's kind of hard for me to explain what exactly a stupor of thought is, but I know that it does not consist of worry, fear, or doubt. Upon closer thought of those previous "bad feeling" answers, I have realized that worry and doubt were the roots of the feeling.

Don't let the adversary make you think the answer is no by feeding you fear and doubt. Don't listen to him, don't give in. Trust in the Lord, and think back to your moments of clarity!