I'm Still Here

My mind has been up in the clouds for as long as I can remember. Dreaming, movies, day-dreaming, whatever - I have a passion for science fiction and futuristic imagery. I remember watching the Disney Movie Treasure Planet around the time it came out. Loved it. I was familiar with the original story, but my inner-trekkie was in awe at the solar-sailors, space ships, and techno-gadgets used in the film.

At the time I was just a kid. Although I liked the movie, I didn't notice the powerful themes regarding self-worth and fathering. I preface this next section by saying the following: I love my father. I have grown up trying to follow the example he set of selfless service. I received so many treasures of knowledge, talents, and lessons from him. That being said, I didn't have perfect parents. I don't think anyone has perfect earthly parents. I think that's just the nature of life: imperfect people learning, growing, working with, and caring for each other.

A few months ago, out of the blue, I sat down to watch it again (thank you Netflix!) and was very moved by what I saw, heard, and felt.

One of my favorite parts is a montage of Jim Hawkins and the cyborg Silver set to the song "I'm Still Here" by John Rzeznik from the Goo Goo Dolls. It shows some of the scenes from Jim's childhood that led to a lack of fathering in his life. He's still trying to figure out who he is, and what he's meant to do.

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I am a question to the world

Not an answer to be heard

Or a moment that’s held in your arms

And what do you think you’d ever say?

I won’t listen anyway

You don’t know me

And I’ll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you’d understand?

I’m a boy, no, I’m a man

You can’t take me and throw me away

And how can you learn what’s never shown

Yeah, you stand here on your own

They don’t know me

‘Cause I’m not here

And I want a moment to be real

Want to touch things I don’t feel

Wanna hold on and feel I belong

And how can the world want me to change?

They’re the ones that stay the same

They can’t see me

‘Cause I’m not here.

And you see the things they never see

All you wanted – I could be

Now you know me, and I’m not afraid

And I want to tell you who I am

Can you help me be a man?

They can’t break me

As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real

Want to touch things I don’t feel

Wanna hold on and feel I belong

And how can the world want me to change?

They’re the ones that stay the same.

They can’t see me

But I’m still here.

They can’t tell me who to be

‘Cause I’m not what they see

Yeah, the world is still sleepin’ while I keep on dreaming for me

And their words are just whispers and lies that I’ll never believe. . .

I’m still here, I’m still here. . .

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Another set of lyrics comes to mind when I think of one of the messages in this song:

"Everyone's taking control of me,
Seems that the world's got a role for me
I'm so confused, will you show to me
You'll be there for me
And care enough to bear me?"


I guess what I felt in reaction to these lyrics can be summed up into two main ideas.

First. While I feel my father did a great job raising me, and the best he knew how to do, there have been certain aspects of my life that needed (and still need) fathering. It feels at times like I'm still trying to figure out who exactly I am, and how to deal with things like emotions, trauma, and hard times. I love my father and my mother, and will always love them. At the same time, I've realized that I have certain needs they weren't able to fill. That doesn't mean they weren't good parents - again, no one on earth grows up with perfect parents. I can't turn to them to fill all of my needs, but I am so grateful for the lessons they have taught me, and the sacrifices they have made for me. I'm thankful for the friends, family members, mentors, and examples who have entered my life and helped me along my journey.

Second. I don't want to let the world determine who I am. The life I'm living may seem to go against the grain of what the world expects - but they can't tell me who to be. I get so many messages on what it means to be a man: I have to be a tough guy, ripped, emotionless, dominating, distant. 

No, I don't. I want to be strong, compassionate, understanding, empathetic, courageous, assertive, confident. I don't have to fit to society's mold for me. Thankfully, I have friends that are there for me, and care enough to bear me.

I'm still figuring out who exactly I am. I have a good idea, but I keep learning more about my weaknesses and strengths. I'm still here, and I intend to stay. I'm not going to check out. I'll rest when I need to, but I'm not going to run away.

"If there's a road I should walk, help me find it
And if I need to be still, give me peace for the moment.
Whatever Your will, whatever Your will,
Can You help me find it?"